Crazy Is as Crazy Does

Most people dub my crazy personality as charming.  They think I am funny and wistful, fun-loving and energetic. For me, I see crazy in obsession and reading, research and questioning.  I should make a wonderful mother!

At first, I thought I was imagining the faint pink line on the pregnancy test, but seven tests later, including another line test, three plus minus tests, and two yes or no tests, the results were in! As I talked with the OB nurse on the phone, she laughed away my obsessive character, shrugging it off to anxious mommyhood, that of someone who "couldn't wait" to be a mother.  She had it all wrong.  That is just how I am. I have to pee on seven plus sticks, call my husband at work three times, talk to my sister four times, and to my best friend twice to trust the news that I am pregnant. 

The books say the first step of this process is confused emotions of excitement and misgivings, ambivalence and joy.  I can say that all of these are true, but I thought they would come in waves, separately showing their faces, each different and distinctive.  For me, they come all at once, and they manifest themselves in fits of tears and swallowing, as if to fight back the varied emotions, none of which I can make an sense of, especially if I am in the middle of a conversation.  I have always been accustomed to being an emotional person, but this is so different.  For example, when we broke the news to our parents, Dan picked out the cutest onesies that read, "I've been good all year! Just ask Grandma!" Giving the gift to his parents was cinch. I only cried to and from their house, but no tear I could find as we sat among smiles and hugs. That all changed as we waited in the kitchen for my parents to come in; a house that I had grown up in now weighed heavy with the news of our gift of joy.  I cried as soon as I saw my mother and handed her the Christmas bag with shaking hands and a nervous smile.  They were both elated, and I laugh-cried when my Dad looked at Dan and said, "what have you done to my daughter?". 

The first three weeks have been an amazing whirlwhind of budgeting, avoiding sandwhich meat, talking of paint colors, and exchanging knowing smiles with the ones closest to us.  As we ring in the new year, at home toasting with beer for Dan and ginger ale for me, I can't help but wonder what awaits us in 2011.  The enormity of becoming a parent is lost on me. Yet, I can already feel that my life is changing forever. And, I kind of like it.